Vinylrichie’s Weblog

 A sport you can play if you don’t work in a shop is the ever so popular Antagonise the Staff. There are many ways in which this can be achieved, just use your imagination. Or, actually, don’t use any imagination or thought at all so you can be effortlessly infuriating and incredibly stupid without breaking into a sweat.

 Here are some suggestions: Why not phrase an impossible question such as: ‘There’s this book about a man or a woman that I heard reviewed on the radio at about half past eleven last night, and it’s about a murder or a holiday or something. It’s a paperback or it might be a hardback. I’m not sure if t’s fact or fiction. It could be a biography. Have you got it?’

 Another way to cause trouble is to queue in the wrong place, therefore pushing in. Then when the cashier informs you of your error as the tutting from the other shoppers reaches a crescendo, have a go at them for not having enough signs even though they don’t read them anyway…

 I had a woman that had a mighty strop at me not long ago, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. As a queue of people built up on the left (the ones that were miraculously in the correct place) I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, someone hanging  around by the lottery machine to the right. I looked and there was an old woman just standing there. I honestly assumed that she was waiting for the old man that I was serving so, when I’d finished with him and signalled for the next person, she storms over instead. Upon informing her of the correct place to queue she bellows: ‘You KNEW I was waiting, you SAW me standing there! I’m next.’ She storms to the back of the actual queue and then things get better. The man I’m serving is returning items which can be time consuming so the old bird stands there huffing loudly. This amuses me and I become prepared for war.

 Her time arrives and she marches to the counter, slams down a bunch of lottery slips (it would be another ancient lotto fiend – my fave) for me to feed through the machine. I remain silent and process the slips. She snatches them out of my hand and slams the money on the counter. I inform her politely that she is being aggressive and rude. She grumbles at me, sneering, and snatches her change.

‘You know it’s rude to snatch?’ I tell her.

‘You KNEW I was waiting!’ Plaintive wailing is her notable talent.

She moves to leave and I say: ‘The very best of luck with your lottery madam’ in my best sarcastic and posh tone. She stops in her tracks, turns and shoots two fingers up at me. I burst out laughing which wasn’t the reaction she was hoping for and she storms off to the right to leave the shop.

‘That way is the up escalator madam, but feel free to try and run down it if you’re feeling fit.’

Her face is one of fury and she chooses to ignore me. She momentarily disappears and I then notice that she has left her lottery tickets on the counter. I allow myself a wry smile. Watching an old lady in a self inflicted rage trying to storm out of a shop but getting it all wrong was just lovely. She reappears sporting a new face colour that Dulux might have labelled ‘Magenta Rage’ thanks to her failed descent of the escalator.

‘You forgot these Madam.’ I shout as she scurries the other way, waving the tickets in front of me. And then she storms over again and I knew what was coming. She flashes her hand out and grabs for them. SNATCH. Only I’m not playing ball and don’t let go of the tickets and the puse old bat is left clutching thin air. One last chortle from me and she’s off. I have never seen her again. I bet she bloody well won the jackpot.

 You can also be the customer that just waits for any given moment to kick up a storm. Deep into the chaos of the books department over the Christmas shopping period I was asked a question to which I did not know the answer. The girl that I thought may know was on the till and serving one of the many shoppers that snaked in a relentless line around the shop. I go behind the counter and begin to quickly ask her but am stopped immediately by a rather sour faced posh woman who says:

‘Er, excuse me. It is rude to have a private conversation when I’m being served.’

‘This is a work related question which I need to know the answer to to help someone else.’ I reply.

‘It can wait until I’ve finished.’

‘Madam,’ My hackles rise, ‘if I waited until there were no customers before I ask my work mates questions I will be waiting until February.’

‘Do you get points for sarcasm like that?’

‘You do Madam. You get a Sarcasm Clubcard’. She asks to see a manager as I stride off to have a bit of a scream.

 Next time I will summarize a few more tried and tested ways to hassle the minimum waged members of your community. Happy shopping.