Everything Must Go.

 As soon as the last resounding new year wishes have disappeared into the ether comes the stark realisation that a happy new year is practically impossible in the northern hemisphere unless you like darkness and rain, debt, guilt, fitness DVDs, double dip recessions and Prozac.

 You can’t move in the seven remaining shops on the high street without toppling over piles of unwanted sale goods and it’s the same in my particular retail prison but with the added stash of obligatory new year self loathing books to battle through such as Paul McKenna’s ‘I Can Make You £8.99 Poorer’ and ‘Shit Yourself Thin: The Ex-Lax Cookbook.’ January, quite frankly, sucks. So what will 2012 hold in store for us retailers and consumers? Here’s a stab in the dark.

January: Several big high street stores go under as all the money they took over Christmas is given back as the nation returns everything with a receipt. Rail fare price hikes make travelling by space shuttle more economically viable so visiting shops out of town becomes a ridiculous notion.

February: Rising fuel and food costs mean many people can only afford fuel and not food. ‘Nigel Slater’s Cooking With Diesel’ becomes a national bestseller.

March: A new game sweeps the nation called ‘Spot the Shop’ which takes place in shopping centres nationwide. No one wins. The National Lottery starts a new type of draw called ‘Scramble!’ whereupon players follow a hot air balloon across open fields as Ant & Dec throw loose change out of it. The first draw is won by a Mrs J. Broad from Felixstowe who fishes £2.26 out of hedge and treats herself to a tuna sandwich. ‘It’s a dream come true,’ she adds but later openly regrets that she blew the cash all in one go.

April: The government tries to kick start the economy by making oxygen legal currency.

May: The Government tries to paper over its less than sensible oxygen decision by releasing a series of Home Office pamphlets advising the householder on self suffiency. ‘Why Not? Eating Your Children To Cut Costs’ is derided openly but becomes very popular. Places in schools become more readily available which is a huge boon.

June: A wave of fierce patriotism sweeps the nation as the Queen’s Diamond jubilee is celebrated. So as not to appear crass as the only person in the UK with any money she changes it from Diamond Jubilee to Formica Jubilee. The celebrations boost the economy as someone in Hull buys a packet of crisps to celebrate. National pride and consumer confidence take another upsurge as the England football team kick off their Euro 2012 campaign. Unfortunately they fall into the same old trap of being shit and only succeed in depressing an already serotonin depleted nation.

July: It’s holiday season. No one can afford to go away so holidays at airports become popular, people divide their time between branches of WHSmith and the strangely not defunct Tie-Rack. Luckily there few bored children moaning about this as most of them have been eaten.

August: It’s an important time of year for retailers as Christmas is here. The three remaining retailers are quietly optimistic about their chances but one more goes bust before the end of this sentence.

September: September is cancelled due to the sheer expense of running a month with lots of letters in its name. Calls for another May to be introduced in its place go unanswered and branded ‘silly’ by a calender watchdog spokesperson

October: The number of people who work in retail in the UK drops to an all time low of six. These six people have to run every shop in the country by themselves and the whole of Manchester closes down for a week when the Saturday girl does a sickie.

November: The UK asks the US for a fiver for a cup of tea. The US refuses and international relations break down.

December: Christmas is ruined as the US releases 14 tonnes of nuclear warheads upon our sceptered isle. The only survivor is Tie-Rack, which goes into administration shortly after as irradiated neck wear is out of fashion.

So there we have it, the shape of our trading landscape for the coming year. You have been warned.